nothing to do, no reason to be

just awoke feeling wonderfully refreshed, until the old malady hit me: i have nothing to do, no reason to be. no purpose in life, no power to accomplish anything positive. so naturally i thought of writing this entry. it's something to do, some reason to be. or is it? who will read it? anyone? what good will it do them if they do read it? any good?

this malady is an old one for me. it goes back about as far as i can recall, all the way to childhood, when i can recall complaining to my mother on a beautiful day like this one, 'there's nothing to do'. she, of course, had no helpful suggestions.

so what i've often done in such circumstances is read. acquired knowledge. but what good is knowledge, if it doesn't empower, doesn't lead to happiness, or at least relief from aimlessness. 

all the knowledge i've acquired is summed up in this blog which no one reads. what good would it do anyone to read it? there is much to learn, but no reason to do so!

oh well, writing this has given me something to do at least for a very short time. now i must find something else to do. unfortunately it will probably be just as unsatisfying, and pointless, as this has been.

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elaboration: i'm 65 years old and i'm not free. i've never been free and i'm never going to be free. i've been aware of this for a long time. it makes me miserable.

there are things to do, reasons to be, if one is free. i'm so not free i can't even mention them here too specifically. all i can say is they have to do with sex and drugs, openness and honesty, living authentically and fully. this can only be done in a world without 'laws' and 'authorities'. a world in which anarchy rules. george carlin said it well on stage, something along the lines of 'i think i should be free to do whatever i wish, and if u don't like what i do, u should be free to kill me.' the understanding being that without laws and authorities to restrict us, we must be restricted by our own common sense and respect for others, for everything we do has consequences.

another way to put it is 'do as ye wish, so long as no one is harmed (other than yourself)'. or 'do unto others as u would have them do unto u'. now that's a 'law' i could live with. unfortunately here in dystopia as has been pointed out b4 over 30 years ago by the likes of peter mcwilliams (who ended up being killed by oppression), lawmakers have concocted all manner of absurd 'laws' which make victimless crimes of behavior which can actually be life affirming to all involved:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ain%27t_Nobody%27s_Business_If_You_Do

i recognize now that the cause of my existential angst is the awareness that life could be so much more than what i've been able to experience, if only i hadn't the misfortune of having been born into such a dystopian world. it is also the source of my profound alienation from my own species.

not so long ago i still harbored some hope that the most progressive element of society, namely those in the green party, shared my anarchist pov. i thought i could trust them; learned the hard way (is there any other way to learn?) this wasn't so. the only sherson in the whole wide world i can be truly open and honest with is myself. it's an awfully lonely and unhappy way to live.