Even My Dreams Are Frustrating

dream this a.m.: i'm somewhere, i think a library. i see not one, not 2, but 3 young women, all pretty and petite, small perky breasts just the way i like them. we're all together in a close space, in the entrance vestibule, as one of them is sweeping the floor, another leaving, one goes to hold a door open for the other 2, as i do the same with the other door, and also to get closer to them. i want desperately to say something, break the ice, let them know with more than my eyes that i'm very interested in and attracted to them, but just as in surreal life, i can't think of anything other than the truth, which i know is just too blunt and unacceptable in this dystopian, puritanical, repressed world, so the moment passes.

i wake up, get up, as it's time to shut all the windows and doors in my house as the summer morning quickly heats up, gotta keep that heat out, keep it as cool as possible in this early summer heat wave. also gotta pee. then, with the dream still fresh in my mind, i sit down to write this, and share my thoughts on the matter, even if no one cares or is sympathetic.

here i am in my 60s, still dreaming about and lusting for scandalously young women, still feeling oh so frustrated by an inability to successfully approach them and try to spark up a relationship. the only difference is as i've gotten older i've come to surrealize just how repressive and stupid attitudes towards sex and libido are in this dystopian culture, to understand how time is running out on me, my libido, my life, and how i'm increasingly likely to die having never fully lived, or having lived all my life with this ever-present, nagging, frustrated desire, at first, confused and ashamed, later increasingly resentful and angry over how things are. do they have to be this way? hell no, i learned that in those moments, especially in the relative freedom of mexican bars and in it's 'red zones' where prostitution is 'tolerated', where there's loads of women seeking attention (and of course, dinero) from men, where shy and repressed men like me can cut the bullshit, be direct, and get what we want, if we have the dinero. nothing like it in the u.s., except i suppose in some (of the mostly bigger) cities where if one is flush with cash, one can pay an exorbitant price for the pleasure of an expensive escort's companionship, or make an arrangement to be someone's 'sugar daddy', as i wish i could do...

i wonder how much time i have left, before this avenue of ultimate pleasure and fleeting satisfaction is no longer available to me. a decade perhaps, maybe 2, certainly not much more than that. i do the best i can to comfort myself with the knowledge that this world is dystopian to all, and some have or have had it much worse, for example slaves. imagine having been or being a slave, constantly yearning to be free, knowing in one's heart that one's subjugation is unjust... the world is unjust, the sheeple in it largely stupid, the laws and attitudes we live by both stupid and unjust... and yet, conservative christians love to argue that we have 'free will'. how fucking full of shit can they possibly be? completely, it seems.

Racism

The centennial of the Tulsa race massacre this week in the news has me pondering racism in my own family.

My paternal grand parents arrived in America around 1910 from Ukraine. I can't imagine they were racist then, as i don't believe they'd had any prior experience with non-white sheeple. I know they were working class and they moved several times between several different states for over 10 years before they managed to scrape up enough money to purchase a piece of rocky hilly land to farm in upstate NY. While they were doing this they were having kids on a frequent basis as was the lot of working sheeple in those benighted times before the pill was invented and before even more primitive means of contraception were popularized and made accessible thanks largely to the struggle of Margaret Sanger and her allies... and i imagine my grandfather had to work at various hard jobs, like coal mining in southern West Virginia, where my father was born, and in the factories of Detroit, where one of my uncles was born.

I imagine it must have been during this period that he was exposed to America's virulent racism, which must have been fueled in part by the fact that the working class was in competition with each other for jobs. I never got to know my grandparents, as i was very young when they died, but grand dad probably became very racist and passed it on to his kids, who in turn passed it on to their kids, and so on, such that at family reunions i've attended, 'nigger' was a fairly frequently used word. Partly due to this, i've stopped going to these reunions.

I wish i could go back in time and witness whatever events occurred that turned my grandfather (and for all i know, maybe my grandmother too) and/or some of my uncles into racists (my father was racist but not as virulently so). Regardless, just knowing that they became so makes me think less of them, for i think at it's base racism is indicative of a sort of ignorance that belies stupidity or a lack of independent critical thinking and sensitivity or compassion towards others. Perhaps it's indicative of a sort of callousness which was/is actually useful to working class sheeple in a capitalist society, struggling mightily to make a living in a culture of ruthless competition for economic survival.

p. 464 Of BRIGHT GREEN LIES

i've been reading derrick jensen's most recent book on and off for the past few weeks. not terribly enthused about it because 1) i'm already well familiar with the ruse that is 'green' energy from watching PLANET OF THE HUMANS, reading Ozzie Zehner's book, and other sources, and 2) it's so flocking depressing, how global industrial civilization is destroying life on this planet, how little is being done to stop or even slow the destruction, and last but certainly not least, how willfully or hopelessly clueless the vast majority of humans are to this existential crisis. Which brings me to my brief and bitter points, taken from p. 464 of BRIGHT GREEN LIES

First, there's this observation from Derrick: 'i'm increasingly convinced that within this culture the primary use of human intelligence is to try to rationalize whatever behavior we already wanted to do.'

i'm on board with that. i'm just blunter, less nuanced, and more vulgar in stating that sheeple generally have shit fer brains, and there's no cure for stupid-crazy. Which reminds me of something else i wanted to bring up: in the previous chapter Derrick writes about (sur)real solutions, basically that everyone who knows and cares to must do their part to preserve wildlife and end industrial civilization, insisting there's still reason for hope, claiming (dubiously?) that given a chance to re-wild, earth's topsoils can quickly regain health and sequester enough carbon to save us. Here he's being a BRIGHT GREEN OPTIMIST i disagree with...

Second, there's a quote from Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon and supposedly the world's richest man to the effect that we should continue growing our energy use and population, showing he's as clueless as they come, and that when it comes to topics that are relevant to our survival, there's probably little correlation between being 'successful' financially and having a clue, which certainly is discouraging, not that it's news to me or to u. Just another reason to be overwhelmingly pessimistic, convinced we're dystopian and doomed.