Blood In The Water / Death And Politics At Attica

if u have any human decency at all, the truth of what took place at attica prison on sep 13, 1971 will greatly enrage, disturb, and disillusion u. unfortunately, it won't set u free.

heather thompson wrote an excellent, lengthy, detailed book on it titled BLOOD IN THE WATER , widely available at public libraries.

an excellent hour long documentary was also made titled DEATH AND POLITICS AT ATTICA. it's shown periodically on the rochester pbs station, wxxi, and i imagine can be viewed on the 'net.

A Revelation

most of the women on chaturbate encourage small tippers like me by posting that 'all tips are appreciated' and often acknowledging them with a little smile or nod, but last night i encountered one who didn't.

a little background: cam models on chaturbate work for tips. my understanding is that they receive 5 cents for every token tipped. tokens cost the tipper 10 cents each, but this is reduced to about 8 cents when purchased 1,000 at a time.

most cam models attract few if any viewers and make little if any money. the more popular ones, generally the most attractive ones, attract quite a few if not hundreds or thousands of viewers, and can make lots of money. i think i recall one tip of 1,000,000 tokens, which would be $50,000! more commonly, the most successful models, say the top 1%, can receive tips totaling in the neighborhood of 1,000 to 10,000 tokens/hr., or $50 to $500/hr. very good money for pretty easy work one can do in the comfort of home, with a little cash outlay for equipment.

like most patrons, i prefer the very attractive ones. not being rich, i'm not a big tipper, but i like to show my appreciation to attractive models with good attitudes who turn me on by tipping them usually somewhere between 10 to 50 tokens, and writing something complimentary like 'great tits!' or 'exquisite beauty!'. i generally tip more to those who for some reason are struggling to attract viewers and make money. i figure the ones making tons of money don't need my little tips.

i came across this one last night who certainly belonged among the top 1% going by her looks. she was extremely pretty and petite, but she only had about 10 viewers. this info. is shown, along with how long the model has been online for the current session, and who have been her top 3 tippersduring that session, along with how much she'd been tipped. she had been online over an hour, and yet the total of her top 3 was less than 50 tokens, indicating she'd made very little in that time, only a couple of bucks perhaps. no doubt this was due to the fact that unlike most models, she wasn't showing a lot. most models go fully nude, many are topless, and a few reserve such things for 'private sessions', which are more expensive and exclusive, only open to those who agree to pay a certain amount of tokens per minute for admission.

she was only showing some bare shoulder and chest along with her face. no leg, cleavage or nipples poking through clothing. i tipped her several small increments totaling about 15 tokens, made a complimentary comment, said i wanted to see more of her, asked her to stand up and back away from the camera so i could see her whole clothed body. she suggested i take her to a private session, which i declined. she declined my request. i left her 'room' to check out some other models as is my wont, and when i retured to her room some time later was shocked to see that i'd been banned from her room.

it's my understanding that chaturbate models can ban anyone from their 'room', making it impossible for them to be viewed by that individual, for any reason, but such action is generally reserved for those who make disruptive or rude remarks or make repeated requests without any tip. it's pretty common to see someone get banned, but had not happened to me before, not by any of the hundreds of models whose 'rooms' i've visited. i've never given anyone any reason to ban me, and i don't think i gave this one any good reason. apparently she was simply miffed that i didn't want to take her private and asked a very little favor of her after tipping her a very little. apparently she doesn't appreciate patrons in her room who aren't willing to spend a lot for the privilege of seeing her. of course, most don't tip at all, just lurk, but by making myself noticeable i was singled out for banning.

i bring all this up because it hurt my feelings a little bit by reminding me of all the rejection i've experienced from more women than i can recall over the past 50+ years, going back to my childhood. this calls for a little background.

i suspect i was primed to expect rejection from girls/women from my mother, who had some severe issues with men and sex which she dumped on me, letting me know repeatedly as a young child that she hated both, found them 'disgusting'. this was exacerbated by being given a rudimentary (rude!) catholic education that emphasized shit like it was a 'sin' to even have 'impure' thoughts. i grew up feeling ashamed, unloved, and fearful of eternal damnation.

i'm not a bad looking guy and i'm smart, but i've almost always struggled socially and felt very anxious when dealing with very attractive girls/women who i wished to be with. consequently, i've experienced a lot of rejection and humiliation at their hands.

even with some prostitutes i've paid a lot of money to, i've been made to feel unattractive, even repulsive. here it must be emphasized however, that i'm referring to relatively well off american women and in one case a german who i met while in the navy overseas.

with relatively poor prostitutes from mexico, i've had much better experiences. one in particular was a revelation to me. i had met her in a bar where she agreed to come back to my nearby hotel room for an hour of sex for $30. she was very attractive and hygienic, in her mid 20s. in the privacy of my room she was very relaxed and comfortable with me. she allowed me to kiss her passionately on the lips. she didn't act like there was anything unpleasant at all about taking off her clothes, spreading her legs, and having me insert my condomed penis in her vagina. she didn't make any faces, didn't try to hurry me. after i climaxed and we got dressed, she was just as nice to me as she'd been before. as a result, i patronized her many more times in the future, as i could easily afford such a wonderful, life affirming treat on a fairly regular basis.

i've since wondered long and often what there is about me that makes me so resistable to american women, and why so many of them act as though to reinforce the very negative stereotype i received from my mother of women as sexually frigid beings. i suspect it's partly due to my lack of confidence with them, and partly due to being relatively 'unsuccessful' while living in an affluent society which is also quite puritanical, especially discouraging to women with sex-positive inclinations.

thus i think/dream of traveling to places like the philippines where guys like me can experience success with very attractive women, which besides being exquisitely pleasurable, is a great boost to self esteem!

here's another compelling testimony of rejecting dogmatic faith in favor of freethought:

https://infidels.org/library/modern/testimonials/bradley.html

Decisions, Decisions

for years i've been thinking about traveling to a poor country with lots of gorgeous young sex workers. it's probably the only way i can have sex with such a desirable partner. in a place that's economically depressed or downright 3rd world poor, the cost of sex as well as the cost of living are affordable to someone like me on a fixed income which is poverty level in america.

i'd surreally love to be someone's sugar daddy. someone who besides being very arousingly beautiful is nice and somewhat compatible as a friend/companion. what i'd surreally love is a serious relationship with someone i could happily live in a long term relationship.

of course age is a complicating factor. i'm old, not as vital, energetic, healthy as i once was. i have nothing to look forward to except getting older, more decrepit, and dying within a few decades at most. maybe much less than that. someone 40 years younger than me would be giving up her own youth to be with me, and be faced with losing me while still somewhat young, but no longer having the bloom of youth radiating, attracting potential mates by the multitudes. quite frankly, without a great deal of core compatibility enriching such a relationship, any young ravishing beauty looking to score a well-to-do gentleman could certainly do better than me. that certainly should be a prime consideration to her, shouldn't it?

i met a fellow veteran today around my age, maybe 5-10 years younger, who told me a bit about his own recent experience in the philippines. he was thinking like me, but he did a lot more than idle thinking. he actually seriously researched the proposition before deciding to take the plunge and go. like me, he's on a fixed income that's unimpressive by american standards.

so he went, stayed 9 months, had a great time. only came back because of the pandemic and rather extreme restrictions that came with it there. like i would, he patronized sex workers, as well as 'regular' women he met who were not averse to dating a relatively rich foreigner.

we became ping pong buddies and exchanged contact info.. he struck me as relatively intelligent, mature, experienced, level headed, independent minded. iow, someone i can relate to better than most. a potential friend.

we spoke at some length (by my guy standards, i'm not much of a talker usually) about women and i asked him several questions. he's thinking about going back there before long, and it's got me thinking about possibly going with him. it would be very advantageous having a friend who could 'show me the ropes' in a foreign setting, help me get settled and know some of the better places to go, as well as ones to avoid.

if nothing else, i could enjoy a good deal of attractive partner sex for a while, something i ought to do soon if i'm ever going to, before i get too old! we only live once.

i wonder how long it would be before the relative novelty of it wore off and i'd become homesick. i expect i would certainly miss a lot about the life i'd be leaving here and i'd be leaving a lot of  'loose ends' which would to be taken care of later.

i'm in a rut, but it's a relatively comfortable rut, secure, soothingly familiar and predictable. i've never been one to thrive or be comfortable with the unknown, being socially handicapped, awkward, somewhat alienated and withdrawn, characteristics that can greatly complicate adjusting to a foreign culture/society.

i actually have a very satisfactory sex life masturbating. i know just how to please myself, and i can do so on my own whim and timetable. i like to draw things out, maximize pleasure prior to climaxing. i don't have to try to please or satisfy or appease any partner. don't have to deal with their moods or interests which don't interest me. don't even have to spend any money.

i'd miss american sports, following favorite teams and individuals, PBS, american libraries, temperate weather with 4 seasons, some old friends. i'm pretty alienated from what close biological family i have remaining, so that's not a big consideration. as my new friend today pointed out, there's advantages to not being tied down by such things.

assuming i continue to get along well with this new friend and he decides to return to the philippines and is more than willing to have me tag along and be shown the ropes, i may be sorely tempted to go. correct that; i will be sorely tempted.

i've always had great difficulty making big important decisions like this. i tend to run very hot and cold, going back and forth on what i think i should do. i tend to endlessly weigh all the pros and cons. like this other consideration: president duterte in the philippines is a major drug warrior asshole. he makes donald trump look good in comparison. i might have to give up my medicinal cannabis consumption there, which could lead to greater depression and insomnia. and if i did continue to smoke, i suppose i'd have to worry about being busted and facing ridiculous and repugnant consequences if i ran afoul of the law. it would certainly worry me.

there are so many other things i'd like to do before i die, like expand my consciousness with drugs. explore free love and communal living. find or develop a dystopian and doomed community/family.

this is what i ultimately seek: a community/family/life of my own choosing. i wish i knew where to begin, how to proceed, to achieve such a lofty goal.

From Taoist To Infidel

returning to the theme that the god of 'conservative' christianity is a supreme asshole, here's a little autobiographical essay from noted atheist/freethinker richard carrier. the 2 paragraphs below are quoted from it. below them is a link to the whole essay. it's not very long.

'In all I can say that the Old Testament disgusted me, while the New Testament disappointed me. In general, no divinely inspired text would be so long and rambling and hard to understand--wise men speak clearly, brilliantly, their ability at communication is measured by their success at making themselves readily understood. The Bible spans over a thousand pages of tiny, multi-columned text, and yet says nowhere near as much, certainly nothing as well, as the Tao Te Ching does in a mere eighty-one stanzas. The Bible is full of the superfluous--extensive geneologies of no relevance to the meaning of life or the nature of the universe, long excurses on barbaric rituals of bloodletting and taboo that have nothing to do with being a good person or advancing society toward greater happiness, lengthy diatribes against long-dead nations and constant harping on a coming doom and gloom. I asked myself: would any wise, compassionate being even allow this book to be attributed to him, much less be its author? Certainly not. How could Lao Tzu, a mere mortal, who never claimed any superior powers or status, write better, more thoroughly, more concisely, about so much more, than the Inspired Prophets of God?

It was not only this that struck me. What was most pungent was the immorality of the Bible. Though called a wise father, there is not a single example in the Old Testament of God sitting down and kindly teaching anyone, and when asked by Job, the best of men, to explain why He went out of His way to hurt a good man by every possible means, including killing his loved ones, this "wise father" spews arrogant rhetorical questions, ultimately implying nothing more than "might makes right" as his only excuse. I revulsed in horror at this demonic monster portrayed here. He was worthy of universal condemnation, not worship. He who thinks he can do whatever he wants because he can is as loathesome and untrustworthy as any psychopath. It was bad enough that this God's idea of the "best" in man is a willingness to murder one's own child on demand. It is inconceivable that any kind being would ever test Abraham's loyalty that way. To the contrary, from any compassionate being's point of view, Abraham failed this test: he was willing to kill for faith, setting morality aside for a god. A decent being would reward instead the man who responded to such a request with "Go to hell! Only a demon would ask such a thing, and no compassionate man would do it!" But the Bible's message is exactly the opposite. How frightening. It was no surprise, then, to find that this same cruel God orders people to be stoned to death for picking up sticks on Saturday (Numbers 15:32-36), and commands that those who follow other religions be genocidally slaughtered (Deuteronomy 13:6-16). Indeed, genocide (Deuteronomy 2:31-34, 7:1-2, 20:10-15, and Joshua, e.g. 10:33) and fascism (Deuteronomy 22:23-24, Leviticus 20:13, 24:13-16, Numbers 15:32-6) were the very law and standard practice of God, right next to the Ten Commandments. Instead of condemning slavery, God condones it (Leviticus 25:44, cf. Deuteronomy 5:13-14, 21:10-13). And so on. Nothing could be more repugnant.'

https://infidels.org/library/modern/testimonials/carrier.html

I Wonder

i just went for a relatively long walk along a street and road. passed an attractive woman in her 20s coming and going. being somewhat cool, she wasn't dressed revealingly. she wore jeans and tight calf-high dark cloth boots. sunglasses, though it was cloudy. the first time we passed each other we were on opposite sides of the street and she was talking on a phone. 2nd time, 1/2 hour later, we were on the same side. passed by 1 meter apart, looking right at each other, a hint of a smile on her face. awkward and anxious as i've always been in such situations, i may have smiled weakly myself as i muttered 'hi', which she muttered back in passing. end of story. except, as usual, now i'm upset, reminded of my loneliness and frustration and the dystopian nature of my repressive puritanical society that so complicates the chances of 'hooking up' or better yet, meeting someone very interesting and possibly developing a relationship.

if i lived in a neighborhood with streetwalkers i would have taken her for one. i've lived in them before and picked up a few (generally not a good idea or experience, but when u're young, poor, a 'loser' desperate to get laid, u do desperate things...).

i wonder what she was up to? definitely looked to be out on the make, wanting to be picked up or something. open to being approached. by men. even older men like me. very open minded, to put a positive spin on it. foolish and/or desperate, to put a negative one. she didn't look foolish or desperate.

maybe she was high. i'm reminded of the lyrics of the great classic rock song ALRIGHT NOW by the band free, sung so evocatively by paul rodgers:

There she stood in the street
Smiling from her head to her feet
I said hey, what is this
Now baby, maybe she's in need of a kiss

i wish i was cool enough to think like this and approach such women with confidence, intelligence, and savvy.  something like this:

I said hey, what's your name baby
Maybe we can see things the same
Now don't you wait or hesitate
Let's move before they raise the parking rate

of course, art often is a poor reflection at best of surreality. it's often a highly idealized reflection of it. a lot of us wish we lived in a society/culture in which humans felt free to relate so easily, openly, and effectively, but how many of us do? how many of us are able to transcend our cultural/social inhibitions (including the very chilling and surreal threat of arrest, conviction, and imprisonment for committing a victimless or trumped up 'crime' like solicitation of prostitution)? not many! especially not where i live, where 'conservatives' predominate.

i wonder where she is and what's she doing now. i wonder who she is, if she too is plagued by the loneliness and the frustration of trying to get by in a dystopian world of repressive 'laws', menacing 'authorities', slut shaming 'moralists', and tons of sheeple like me who are far too cowed and repressed to approach someone like her, much as we might wish to.

under the best of circumstances, relationships are filled with potential pitfalls. incompatibility, having to make compromises, individual quirks and flaws, weaknesses, dire desires and needs. when one gets involved with another, all these things come into play. i imagine we all deal with them in our own way. judging by the great many single older adults like me, it makes many quite gunshy and alone, along with all the built in repression, fear, and anxiety of dystopia.

generally speaking, i think it's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy in relationship. much better. but it's still awfully hard being reminded of your incompleteness and frustration when u come across someone who poignantly reminds u of it. someone who makes u wonder.