I Wonder

i just went for a relatively long walk along a street and road. passed an attractive woman in her 20s coming and going. being somewhat cool, she wasn't dressed revealingly. she wore jeans and tight calf-high dark cloth boots. sunglasses, though it was cloudy. the first time we passed each other we were on opposite sides of the street and she was talking on a phone. 2nd time, 1/2 hour later, we were on the same side. passed by 1 meter apart, looking right at each other, a hint of a smile on her face. awkward and anxious as i've always been in such situations, i may have smiled weakly myself as i muttered 'hi', which she muttered back in passing. end of story. except, as usual, now i'm upset, reminded of my loneliness and frustration and the dystopian nature of my repressive puritanical society that so complicates the chances of 'hooking up' or better yet, meeting someone very interesting and possibly developing a relationship.

if i lived in a neighborhood with streetwalkers i would have taken her for one. i've lived in them before and picked up a few (generally not a good idea or experience, but when u're young, poor, a 'loser' desperate to get laid, u do desperate things...).

i wonder what she was up to? definitely looked to be out on the make, wanting to be picked up or something. open to being approached. by men. even older men like me. very open minded, to put a positive spin on it. foolish and/or desperate, to put a negative one. she didn't look foolish or desperate.

maybe she was high. i'm reminded of the lyrics of the great classic rock song ALRIGHT NOW by the band free, sung so evocatively by paul rodgers:

There she stood in the street
Smiling from her head to her feet
I said hey, what is this
Now baby, maybe she's in need of a kiss

i wish i was cool enough to think like this and approach such women with confidence, intelligence, and savvy.  something like this:

I said hey, what's your name baby
Maybe we can see things the same
Now don't you wait or hesitate
Let's move before they raise the parking rate

of course, art often is a poor reflection at best of surreality. it's often a highly idealized reflection of it. a lot of us wish we lived in a society/culture in which humans felt free to relate so easily, openly, and effectively, but how many of us do? how many of us are able to transcend our cultural/social inhibitions (including the very chilling and surreal threat of arrest, conviction, and imprisonment for committing a victimless or trumped up 'crime' like solicitation of prostitution)? not many! especially not where i live, where 'conservatives' predominate.

i wonder where she is and what's she doing now. i wonder who she is, if she too is plagued by the loneliness and the frustration of trying to get by in a dystopian world of repressive 'laws', menacing 'authorities', slut shaming 'moralists', and tons of sheeple like me who are far too cowed and repressed to approach someone like her, much as we might wish to.

under the best of circumstances, relationships are filled with potential pitfalls. incompatibility, having to make compromises, individual quirks and flaws, weaknesses, dire desires and needs. when one gets involved with another, all these things come into play. i imagine we all deal with them in our own way. judging by the great many single older adults like me, it makes many quite gunshy and alone, along with all the built in repression, fear, and anxiety of dystopia.

generally speaking, i think it's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy in relationship. much better. but it's still awfully hard being reminded of your incompleteness and frustration when u come across someone who poignantly reminds u of it. someone who makes u wonder.