Decisions, Decisions

for years i've been thinking about traveling to a poor country with lots of gorgeous young sex workers. it's probably the only way i can have sex with such a desirable partner. in a place that's economically depressed or downright 3rd world poor, the cost of sex as well as the cost of living are affordable to someone like me on a fixed income which is poverty level in america.

i'd surreally love to be someone's sugar daddy. someone who besides being very arousingly beautiful is nice and somewhat compatible as a friend/companion. what i'd surreally love is a serious relationship with someone i could happily live in a long term relationship.

of course age is a complicating factor. i'm old, not as vital, energetic, healthy as i once was. i have nothing to look forward to except getting older, more decrepit, and dying within a few decades at most. maybe much less than that. someone 40 years younger than me would be giving up her own youth to be with me, and be faced with losing me while still somewhat young, but no longer having the bloom of youth radiating, attracting potential mates by the multitudes. quite frankly, without a great deal of core compatibility enriching such a relationship, any young ravishing beauty looking to score a well-to-do gentleman could certainly do better than me. that certainly should be a prime consideration to her, shouldn't it?

i met a fellow veteran today around my age, maybe 5-10 years younger, who told me a bit about his own recent experience in the philippines. he was thinking like me, but he did a lot more than idle thinking. he actually seriously researched the proposition before deciding to take the plunge and go. like me, he's on a fixed income that's unimpressive by american standards.

so he went, stayed 9 months, had a great time. only came back because of the pandemic and rather extreme restrictions that came with it there. like i would, he patronized sex workers, as well as 'regular' women he met who were not averse to dating a relatively rich foreigner.

we became ping pong buddies and exchanged contact info.. he struck me as relatively intelligent, mature, experienced, level headed, independent minded. iow, someone i can relate to better than most. a potential friend.

we spoke at some length (by my guy standards, i'm not much of a talker usually) about women and i asked him several questions. he's thinking about going back there before long, and it's got me thinking about possibly going with him. it would be very advantageous having a friend who could 'show me the ropes' in a foreign setting, help me get settled and know some of the better places to go, as well as ones to avoid.

if nothing else, i could enjoy a good deal of attractive partner sex for a while, something i ought to do soon if i'm ever going to, before i get too old! we only live once.

i wonder how long it would be before the relative novelty of it wore off and i'd become homesick. i expect i would certainly miss a lot about the life i'd be leaving here and i'd be leaving a lot of  'loose ends' which would to be taken care of later.

i'm in a rut, but it's a relatively comfortable rut, secure, soothingly familiar and predictable. i've never been one to thrive or be comfortable with the unknown, being socially handicapped, awkward, somewhat alienated and withdrawn, characteristics that can greatly complicate adjusting to a foreign culture/society.

i actually have a very satisfactory sex life masturbating. i know just how to please myself, and i can do so on my own whim and timetable. i like to draw things out, maximize pleasure prior to climaxing. i don't have to try to please or satisfy or appease any partner. don't have to deal with their moods or interests which don't interest me. don't even have to spend any money.

i'd miss american sports, following favorite teams and individuals, PBS, american libraries, temperate weather with 4 seasons, some old friends. i'm pretty alienated from what close biological family i have remaining, so that's not a big consideration. as my new friend today pointed out, there's advantages to not being tied down by such things.

assuming i continue to get along well with this new friend and he decides to return to the philippines and is more than willing to have me tag along and be shown the ropes, i may be sorely tempted to go. correct that; i will be sorely tempted.

i've always had great difficulty making big important decisions like this. i tend to run very hot and cold, going back and forth on what i think i should do. i tend to endlessly weigh all the pros and cons. like this other consideration: president duterte in the philippines is a major drug warrior asshole. he makes donald trump look good in comparison. i might have to give up my medicinal cannabis consumption there, which could lead to greater depression and insomnia. and if i did continue to smoke, i suppose i'd have to worry about being busted and facing ridiculous and repugnant consequences if i ran afoul of the law. it would certainly worry me.

there are so many other things i'd like to do before i die, like expand my consciousness with drugs. explore free love and communal living. find or develop a dystopian and doomed community/family.

this is what i ultimately seek: a community/family/life of my own choosing. i wish i knew where to begin, how to proceed, to achieve such a lofty goal.