caught in a trap

 i'm caught in a trap

i can't walk out

because i love u too much baby

-elvis    suspicious minds

i'm reminded of a story of a monkey that got caught in a trap. the trap was a simple device, a small cage with a piece of fruit inside. the bars of the cage are far enough apart so that the monkey can reach inside and grab the fruit, but too close together to allow it to withdraw it's hand while it's holding the fruit. rather than let the fruit grow and thereby be able to withdraw it's hand and flee, the monkey keeps on holding on to it, unwilling to let it go, and thus is caught.

i find myself in a similar situation. i'm grossly unhappy and unfulfilled in my american life. i've been thinking for years that perhaps i ought to let it go and move abroad, where i might find happiness, or at least a happier life than i have now. but to do so would take some work and entail some risk. for example, i may be no happier elsewhere, the problem may lie with me, not with america, or conversely, the malady that i experience here may be everywhere or virtually everywhere, it may be related to civilization and it's associated social and ecological ills. thus it is a case of preferring the devil i know over the one i don't know.

also, i may be in an unhappy and unfulfilling rut here, but it's a comfortable and seemingly secure rut. there is no economic stress to speak of (not that there would be elsewhere where the cost of living would be less... but that's largely offset by my owning my own home here and not having to pay off a mortgage or rent).

but, i also know that staying here presents it's own set of unknowns and danger. there is a close relative i don't trust who i'd like to have out of my life. there is a volatile political situation which appears similar to that of pre-nazi germany, with a very popular and polarizing presidential candidate who exhibits very clear and strong fascist  tendencies. should he once again attain the presidency it's kind of frightening to think what that would mean to those with very clear and opposing political orientation like myself. we could be rounded up, interned, persecuted, and even worse. and last but not least, there is the near certainty that if i remain in america without undergoing some sort of radical transformation, i will remain unhappy and unfulfilled til the day i die.

i learned a while ago that love is simply attachment. it may be good or bad, strong or weak. my attachment to america is clearly problematic. i might be like the monkey who refuses to give up the fruit, caught in a trap partly of it's own device. in fact, that's what i am. right now.