the conspiracy effect

becoming aware of what can only be described as massive elaborate conspiracies on an international scale to misinform the masses re. certain important historical events (most prominent examples: jfk assassination, 9/11 false flag) has profoundly affected my worldview, such that i no longer have complete faith in anything i'm told is true unless i have firsthand knowledge or experience which i trust which confirms the claim (and even then, mustn't i doubt my own perceptions?). as a result, i no longer have absolute faith in scientific claims. an example:

according to science, the universe is a very mysterious place in which most matter and energy can't be perceived or detected. these things, labelled dark matter and dark energy, are only believed to exist because without them, the observable universe can't be explained.

there's many other examples of scientific claims purported to be unassailable facts which must be taken on faith by a laysherson such as myself whose knowledge and intellect is too limited. example: the existence of molecules, atoms, their components and the mysterious forces that bind them: protons, neutrons, electrons, etc.. i still accept their existence as facts, but, my mind is now open as it wasn't b4 i became a 'conspiracy theorist' that, for reasons i may not know or even be able to understand, all these things may be based upon elaborate lies.

i'm not sure what to make of this observation other than the conjecture that this effect may be a prime reason why many other seemingly very intelligent and open minded sheeple dismiss out of hand the notion that elaborate massive conspiracies exist which dupe the masses. could it be that such critical thinkers' minds can't deal with the radical notion that virtually everything they've ever been led to believe or perceive could be a lie?

this is democracy?

i haven't featured a caitlin johnstone essay in a while. this recent critique of american 'democracy' hit's the nail on the head, as caitlin never pulls her punches or uses mealy mouth language when pointing out the latest atrocities:

https://caitlinjohnstone.com.au/2024/05/23/if-you-cant-even-elect-a-candidate-wholl-end-a-genocide-how-real-is-your-democracy/

caught in a trap

 i'm caught in a trap

i can't walk out

because i love u too much baby

-elvis    suspicious minds

i'm reminded of a story of a monkey that got caught in a trap. the trap was a simple device, a small cage with a piece of fruit inside. the bars of the cage are far enough apart so that the monkey can reach inside and grab the fruit, but too close together to allow it to withdraw it's hand while it's holding the fruit. rather than let the fruit grow and thereby be able to withdraw it's hand and flee, the monkey keeps on holding on to it, unwilling to let it go, and thus is caught.

i find myself in a similar situation. i'm grossly unhappy and unfulfilled in my american life. i've been thinking for years that perhaps i ought to let it go and move abroad, where i might find happiness, or at least a happier life than i have now. but to do so would take some work and entail some risk. for example, i may be no happier elsewhere, the problem may lie with me, not with america, or conversely, the malady that i experience here may be everywhere or virtually everywhere, it may be related to civilization and it's associated social and ecological ills. thus it is a case of preferring the devil i know over the one i don't know.

also, i may be in an unhappy and unfulfilling rut here, but it's a comfortable and seemingly secure rut. there is no economic stress to speak of (not that there would be elsewhere where the cost of living would be less... but that's largely offset by my owning my own home here and not having to pay off a mortgage or rent).

but, i also know that staying here presents it's own set of unknowns and danger. there is a close relative i don't trust who i'd like to have out of my life. there is a volatile political situation which appears similar to that of pre-nazi germany, with a very popular and polarizing presidential candidate who exhibits very clear and strong fascist  tendencies. should he once again attain the presidency it's kind of frightening to think what that would mean to those with very clear and opposing political orientation like myself. we could be rounded up, interned, persecuted, and even worse. and last but not least, there is the near certainty that if i remain in america without undergoing some sort of radical transformation, i will remain unhappy and unfulfilled til the day i die.

i learned a while ago that love is simply attachment. it may be good or bad, strong or weak. my attachment to america is clearly problematic. i might be like the monkey who refuses to give up the fruit, caught in a trap partly of it's own device. in fact, that's what i am. right now.

nothing to do, no reason to be

just awoke feeling wonderfully refreshed, until the old malady hit me: i have nothing to do, no reason to be. no purpose in life, no power to accomplish anything positive. so naturally i thought of writing this entry. it's something to do, some reason to be. or is it? who will read it? anyone? what good will it do them if they do read it? any good?

this malady is an old one for me. it goes back about as far as i can recall, all the way to childhood, when i can recall complaining to my mother on a beautiful day like this one, 'there's nothing to do'. she, of course, had no helpful suggestions.

so what i've often done in such circumstances is read. acquired knowledge. but what good is knowledge, if it doesn't empower, doesn't lead to happiness, or at least relief from aimlessness. 

all the knowledge i've acquired is summed up in this blog which no one reads. what good would it do anyone to read it? there is much to learn, but no reason to do so!

oh well, writing this has given me something to do at least for a very short time. now i must find something else to do. unfortunately it will probably be just as unsatisfying, and pointless, as this has been.

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elaboration: i'm 65 years old and i'm not free. i've never been free and i'm never going to be free. i've been aware of this for a long time. it makes me miserable.

there are things to do, reasons to be, if one is free. i'm so not free i can't even mention them here too specifically. all i can say is they have to do with sex and drugs, openness and honesty, living authentically and fully. this can only be done in a world without 'laws' and 'authorities'. a world in which anarchy rules. george carlin said it well on stage, something along the lines of 'i think i should be free to do whatever i wish, and if u don't like what i do, u should be free to kill me.' the understanding being that without laws and authorities to restrict us, we must be restricted by our own common sense and respect for others, for everything we do has consequences.

another way to put it is 'do as ye wish, so long as no one is harmed (other than yourself)'. or 'do unto others as u would have them do unto u'. now that's a 'law' i could live with. unfortunately here in dystopia as has been pointed out b4 over 30 years ago by the likes of peter mcwilliams (who ended up being killed by oppression), lawmakers have concocted all manner of absurd 'laws' which make victimless crimes of behavior which can actually be life affirming to all involved:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ain%27t_Nobody%27s_Business_If_You_Do

i recognize now that the cause of my existential angst is the awareness that life could be so much more than what i've been able to experience, if only i hadn't the misfortune of having been born into such a dystopian world. it is also the source of my profound alienation from my own species.

not so long ago i still harbored some hope that the most progressive element of society, namely those in the green party, shared my anarchist pov. i thought i could trust them; learned the hard way (is there any other way to learn?) this wasn't so. the only sherson in the whole wide world i can be truly open and honest with is myself. it's an awfully lonely and unhappy way to live.