Heart Sick

i just passed a couple of young ladies on the street where i live.  seen them before.  teenagers, probably over 15, under 20.  legal adults?  it's very hard to tell the difference between a 15 and a 19 year old.   the big change occurs at puberty.  it's easy to differentiate between a pre-pubescent 11 year old and a post pubescent 13 year old. growth spurt and breast development. but past puberty, a few years of age difference is hard to tell.

i've seen these 'girls' before but never spoke to them, passing by on foot or bicycle.  today as i was passing by on my bike, one of them called out to me in a suggestive way, an invitation to stop and talk.

something like this has happened to me countless times in my adult years, and especially as i've gotten older and more aware of 'age of consent' laws and how viciously reviled and persecuted are 'adults' who show an interest in legal 'children' (accused and convicted 'sex offenders' are always in the news, often for having forbidden relations with 'minors'), i've assiduously avoided responding.  taking into account that some women in their 20s can pass for being considerably younger, what these 'age of consent' laws effectively do is put a stark chill on responding to all young sheeple who are attractive and interested in attracting a mate.

as i think i've discussed previously in this blog, i've always been attracted to 'jail bait' teenagers as well as slightly older women who are pretty and petite enough to pass for them.  ever since i was a teenager myself, i've been aware that such attraction was verboten and liable to get me in deep trouble.  when i was young i didn't think that much of it, since i hadn't learned to properly question 'authority'.  since i have, i've always felt very disturbed and depressed about it.  heart sick, actually.  it eats away at me, building more and more resentment and a sense of extreme alienation and isolation from my own species, especially those who avidly embrace dogmatic and puritanical 'morality' and artificial laws.  for a long time it's been perfectly obvious to me that these only serve to oppress and increase the suffering, frustration, and difficulty of human life.

june is gay pride month.  i get some sense of solace and brotherhood from the stories of LGBQT sheeple who have had to fight against their own oppression, but i also know from experience that just because one experiences a certain type of oppression doesn't necessarily mean that one will feel empathy or solidarity with those who experience a different (but related) type of oppression.  the villain as i see it is dogmatic puritanism which can take many shapes and fuel many different oppressions, but unfortunately for me (and i think for my whole world), far too many sheeple fail to make such a connection.  they see no reason to universally condemn dogmatic puritanism.

i'm thinking as i have occasionally in the relatively recent past about coming out of the closet as a 'pedophile' (by writing about it and publishing this blog, i am somewhat).  i'm quite certain that i am not alone as such.  it's perfectly normal and natural to be aroused by pubescent females, considering that they have only begun the aging process and are at or near the peak of their fertility and of course have their whole fertile lives ahead of them.  i suspect this is so for all species, yet it's only us humans, with our seemingly infinite capacity for false rationalizion, deceit, and susceptibility to indoctrination (the basis for all dogmatic 'faith' or religion), who have insanely concocted the idea, buttressed by pseudo science, that post pubescent teenagers ought to still be regarded as children (actual children are also erotic beings whose eroticism ought not be repressed) who lack sufficient wisdom to make 'adult' choices such as whether to engage in erotic relations with a partner.  notice i specify 'erotic relations' as opposed to actual intercourse, for the way laws and common attitudes are, just about any sort of erotic activity for youth is taboo.  again, it seems obvious to me this is repression, making everyone neurotically fearful and ashamed of human nature, but anyone else so aware and bold enough to come out of the closet about it is extremely rare indeed.  were i to come prominently out of said closet i suspect i would have to face the subsequent onslought of vicious hate and persecution all alone.

erotic demonization and suppression are a large and essential aspect to the dystopia we're born into and must live with, but it's not all of it. i've tried to shed light on other aspects of it on this blog (and elsewhere) to no avail.  i don't understand why it's so damned difficult to make others see what i so plainly see, but it is, even among my fellow 'radicals'. 

Idiot, Lunatic, Or Charlatan?

the death this past week of pat robertson, arguably the most prominent and influential american far right wing christian weirdo of my lifetime, prompted a google search that came up with the following 'gems', a very small sample of some of the crazy idiotic things he's said over several decades. this is a guy with a law degree and a following of millions. totally dystopian!

listening to this guy and reading some of his other 'prophecies', claims, and opinions, inevitably raises the question: was he an idiot, a lunatic, or a charlatan? maybe all 3?

https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/pat-robertson-says-critical-race-theory-is-a-monstrous-evil/

https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/pat-robertson-prophesies-that-trump-will-win-reelection-then-the-end-times-will-begin/

Can Poly Make A Match For Me?

polymatchmaker is a dating website for sheeple like myself who identify as ethically non monogamous (enm) seeking to meet like minded sheeple to form enm relationships and friendships, promote the enm community and facilitate communication. it must have been a labor of love for the dedicated couple/few who began and ran the thing for the couple of decades or so it existed, for i joined for free a couple years ago. they made a modest living off of charging members a modest fee in order to actually send messages and potentially connect.

notice how i began the paragraph above referring to polymatchmaker in the present tense and ended it by referring to it in the past tense. that's because by chance i discovered that it's ceasing operation the end of this month of may 2023.  i suppose as a gift of love the owners decided to allow all free members the privilege of messaging each other this last month.

i previously only paid the lowest fee charged for 'premium members', which was only like $12 for 3 months or one month, not too long or too short a time to try to make connections.  i was pretty picky back then and only messaged a large handful of women or couples looking to connect.  only one developed into what might generously be called a correspondence which was short lived and disappointing.

a couple weeks ago i decided to update/revise my polymatchmaker profile information, but i got sidetracked when i learned about it's imminent demise and this golden opportunity to reach out for free, send up to 10 messages a day, while i still can. i've spent a few hours going through profiles of women who have potentially enough in common with my fringeness to warrant messaging them. physically, pretty and petite are what catch my eye, but at this point as a 64 year old man my libido is fading fast, so i'm prioritizing compatibility, seeking the few who come relatively close to sharing my worldview, knowledge, and awareness or 'wokeness' to the surreality of this dystopian and doomed world.

thus far i've gone through a couple/few hundred such profiles that turned up in my search for the specific characteristics i sought in potential partners. i've only messaged about 3 dozen, or a couple/few on average daily, again making choices primarily based on compatibility. one might think that such discretion would yield a high percentage of responses, especially considering i informed just about all my messengees that they could message me back for free.  thus far i've received only one response, from the very first woman i messaged, best described as polite, perfunctory, and discouraging further contact.

it just blows my mind how sheeple in general and women in particular don't dig me.  i get more rejections than ...(what's a good punchline?...  i can't think of one. maybe u can).  anyway, i get tons of rejection.  i'm picky but not overly so. i'm open to any kind of relationship, friend or lover, as long as it's open, honest, and authentic. i've tried being very open, honest, and authentic in recent decades as the chief lesson learned from a misguided youth was that the worst lies are the ones one tells oneself.  as somebody famous (shakespeare?) once wrote/said:

'This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. '  (it was shakespeare)

iow, if u don't want to deceive others, begin by not deceiving yourself, which i did a lot when i was young and trying my damnedest to conform; to embrace dogmatic puritanical 'faith' and 'morality'. to believe that prayer or willpower could fundamentally alter my 'sinful' human nature and make me properly 'moral' or chaste and reasonably happy still.

i learned the hard way that the red pill was better than the blue one; that embracing difficult unpleasant truth is in the long run preferable to conforming to laws and conventions which went against my nature (and i dare say human nature) and which required self deception and not being my authentic self, especially when authenticity is most important, as in intimate relationships, be they between friends or lovers.

unfortunately, it seems my authentic self doesn't go over well with others. my worldview tends to be widely divergent from theirs.  i get rejected far, far far more in the case of women, and i don't surreally know why. i wish i did. i wish i understood a lot of things i don't and perhaps can't, in this crazy cruel world.  my failure at relationships or more specifically making initial connections, perhaps a failure to create a positive or encouraging first impression, baffles me. i'm not the only sherson with unpopular, 'radical' fringe views/convictions, but i truly stand out at failing socially, and being alienated, isolated, and lonely, or so it's seemed to me, since just about the time i first embraced authenticity over conformity.

Bullshit Is Everywhere!

Every month of may i think of George Carlin, born may 12, 1937, died june 21, 2008, certainly one of the greatest anti-establishment comics the USA has ever produced. In the clip linked below george laments the ubiquity of bullshit in american culture, especially among 'authority' figures. How i wish someone had taught me this when i was very young! It would have saved me from having to go through the first 30 years of my life being completely full of shit, deceived and deluded by the hypocritical, dogmatic, puritanical, and authoritarian culture/society i had the great misfortune of being born into! How i wish there was a way now that i could reach out to all the young sheeple in the world currently being similarly bullshitted, and clue them into the truth!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPrRxhYJMkQ

The Myth Of The Teen Brain

this article from scientific american counteracts very well the common assumption in modern american culture that teenagers are too immature to make 'adult' decisions such as whether or not to have sex (the supposed basis of 'age of consent' laws). towards the end of the article it states that by the age of 70 a human brain will have shrunk to the same size as that of a 3 year old! yet no one tries to claim that senior citizens should be considered too old to make 'adult' decisions in light of this startling fact!

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-myth-of-the-teen-brain-2007-06/

Stranger In A Strange (And Hostile) Land

going back to childhood i've had an acute sense of social alienation and isolation which has probably been centered around awareness that the society/culture i was born into is pathologically erotically repressed and in complete denial about it. or, worse yet, completely ok with it, as seems to be the case particularly with religious 'conservatives'.

this has been brought home to me most forcefully this past year, when it came to light to the leader of my local progressive political group (green party) that nearly 2 decades ago i tried and failed to seduce the teenage daughter (28 years my junior) of a woman who was very active in the group (as was i) and with whom i was on very friendly terms.  i did this behind her back shortly after her beautiful daughter graduated from high school (still 17 years old and thus considered a 'minor', or child, in the eyes of the law, which i didn't know, assuming she was probably 18 and thus 'legal').  this attempt was clumsy, but there wasn't anything hostile about it, nor did it engender any hostility at the time. only years later, after a chance encounter over the telephone between us that i didn't handle well (i wasn't hostile, just very distant and dismissive, feeling forlorn and rejected), did she come to see my behavior as problematic and decided to bring it up when she was invited to one of our annual picnics and declined the invitation, citing her fear that i might once again 'sexually harass' her, and revealing what had transpired between us (or not transpired) so many years ago.

this leader, also a woman but considerably older, had developed her own somewhat negative perception of me based upon my interest in discussing sexual matters with her pertaining to my sexual frustration and perception that society was horribly repressed and that this repression is especially directed at youth and 'adults' like myself who are particularly attracted to 'minors' or teenagers.  this drove a bit of a wedge between us which widened when this past 'indiscretion' on my part came to light, leading to a semi public confrontation between us resulting in a new code of conduct being developed for our group which explicitly forbids sexual harassment.

up until this point my association with the green party had been somewhat of a source of relief from my sense of nearly complete alienation and isolation from my own species, thanks to our shared politically progressive views and values.  however, this incident has more or less ruined the sense that this was a group with whom i could identify with as an insider.  now it seems that with them, as with the rest of society, i must be an outsider.

i write this in the hope that eventually someone somewhere will read it, identify with it and connect with me as a result, but this hope may well be forlorn, since my past attempts to gain a following (mostly by reaching out to local greens) have utterly failed.  it seems none of the them can well identify with my pov in this matter, leading me to wonder just how many of the several billion sheeple in today's world can, and how can i reach them?

this brings to mind a famous science fiction book i partially read years ago titled STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND.  science fiction is a genre of literature well suited for the exploration and fleshing out of ideas which are considered strange or perhaps heretical by mainstream culture, and this is the case here, as STRANGER deals extensively with the concept of 'free love' and the bizarre manner in which modern civilized humans have demonized and suppressed sexuality.  thus it's become a bit of a reference point for sex radicals like myself, and i identify strongly with the idea that as a very 'sex positive' individual in a very sex negative society/culture, i am indeed a stranger in a strange (and hostile) land.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stranger_in_a_Strange_Land

American Exceptionalism: The Naked Truth

below is a quote taken from the text of a speech given by the late william blum (who has previously been featured in this blog).  according to covertaction magazine, it was the last speaking engagement of his life.  documentation supporting the list of claims (see below) appears in a couple of his books, as cited at the end of the article (click link):

'Let’s look at just how exceptional America has been. Since the end of World War 2, the United States has:

Attempted to overthrow more than 50 foreign governments, most of which were democratically-elected.

Dropped bombs on the people of more than 30 countries.

Attempted to assassinate more than 50 foreign leaders.

Attempted to suppress a populist or nationalist movement in 20 countries.

Grossly interfered in democratic elections in at least 30 countries.

Led the world in torture; not only the torture performed directly by Americans upon foreigners, but providing torture equipment, torture manuals, lists of people to be tortured, and in-person guidance by American teachers, especially in Latin America.'

https://covertactionmagazine.com/2018/08/11/american-exceptionalism-the-naked-truth/