“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”
― Napalm & Silly Puttythere's probably some truth to that quote.
i didn't sleep very well last night. plagued by unsettling dreams, mostly now forgotten except for their tenor/theme, which dealt with my social isolation and my sense that this is a curse from which there seems to be no escape. loneliness with women in particular, due to my lack of confidence with those to whom i'm physically attracted. this probably stems from having an unloving mother who let me know in no uncertain terms as a young child that she hated sex and men. my parents marriage was deeply troubled; my mother seemed to hate her home life, which made me think as i got older that she probably only got married and stayed married out of convenience, as it gave her free room and board, freedom from having to earn a living, free money to go out and drink and smoke in bars, which she did every day as i got older, neglecting her family. (my father too seemed to have very little interest in my sister and i.) i often wonder now how differently my life may have been had i come from a happy home with attentive nurturing as a child.
particularly as i've gotten older i've been plagued by such dreams occasionally. by contrast, i recall only one time a dream with a theme of 'doom' for our planet. it seems in retrospect it may have been a prophetic dream, as in it i was in a city flooded by sea water with very tall skyscrapers (manhattan?). that dream didn't upset me like the ones in which i feel cursed to be lonely do, just as when i'm awake, i'm much more perturbed by my personal problems than by the awareness that civilization is destroying the ecosphere.
which brings us back to the carlin quote above. maybe if i wasn't so selfish, maybe if i cared more about the tragedy of planetary doom and less about my own relatively petty personal travails, i wouldn't be trapped in this prison of isolation. maybe in this sense i deserve this curse of isolation and low self esteem.
at least there's a cool song / music video about having no self esteem:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-GVMRLeaVs
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