resigned?

just started smoking a new batch of cannabis from a new source. supposed to be good, 24% thc. so far i'm not pleased. i'm buzzed but not euphoric. not feeling happy and privileged to be alive. i'm disappointed.

it's possible that this is at least in part due to living in this dystopian and doomed world. particularly as of late i'm feeling about totally resigned to this being fate. this includes my shersonal experience, which has also been overall disappointing, and continues to be so. lack of friends, no potential lovers in sight. profoundly alienated from my species. i'm especially disappointed in god, if it exists. as carlin quipped, if this is the best the almighty can do, i am not impressed.

my alienation includes a fear factor, knowing the hostility that exists towards my vision of utopia, or at least the best world imaginable for flawed, limited, vulnerable mortals like us. it's a vision which collides head on with the vision of dogmatic erotophobes. it's a vision of a reasonable world without dogmas, or dogmatism.

it doesn't matter what i want or dream. 

this is a bad place mentally, but as krishnamurti said, 'it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society'.

it's hard being alone without hope. cannabis in the past has alleviated much of the pain and despair. if this new batch can't lift my spirit, i'm going to have to seek a batch that will do the trick. if i must be a flawed being in a dystopian world, i need something to make it bearable.